STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!
by LittleBirdieChan
Summary: What could possibly be even more weirder than being stranded in god's armpit full of every supernatural monster known to hunters world wide? A kid in a red pointy hat and talking bird, dammit!
1. The STALKER

**ENJOY ~**

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Being in purgatory was _NOTHING_ compared to being in the depths of hell.

For one thing, hell was an never ending lifetime of pain, anguish & suffering. Time was severely altered & you lose yourself. Fast. Take all of that out, add the complete feeling of hopelessness, the pure instinct to survive, a little bit of _NO_ sense of time whatsoever,  & you got yourself a piece of purgatory. That & an endless mob of every single soul of supernatural creatures known to hunters world wide.

Dean Winchester was utterly hopelesss. He was thinking about his younger brother, Sam. How he must've been seriously wigging out right about now. Probably doing everything within his power to get Dean's sorry ass out of purgatory, too. After all. Dean only exploded, & then vanished into thin air. What he _SHOULD_ have been thinking about was trying to figure out a way to pry off his stalker. Whatever it was, it was following him for a long time now. All while searching for his lost friend Castiel, who also vanished out of thin air  & into purgatory with Dean.

He let's out a heavy breath, wiping a bit of mud off his broad face. "Dammit!" He mutters to himself. Frustrated. Wary & sleep deprived. The endless vast amount of very tall, bare, black trees & immense fog was slowly starting to make Dean go a little insane. He had lost count of how many vampires he beheaded, how many black eyed demons he stabbed to death & definately how many times he had to run away from the most ancient of monsters known as leviathans. His only weapons were a empty hand held gun, a hunting knife, & a long axe like blade fashioned out of black stone & bone. The blade was given to Dean by his only ally, who was just about a total monster as anything that jumped out at him in god armpit.

Benny Lafitte, the vampire.

He was no was nowhere to be seen.

Benny rescued Dean after two rows of sharp, pointy, & nasty got the jump on him literally after what seemed like a day or two trying to look for Castiel. Benny told Dean could return the favor by getting him out purgatory. Which was kind of impossible because NOTHING gets out of purgatory. But Benny said otherwise. There were certain portals or gates to get sneak out or get back to the human world. Dean relucantly agreed to help Benny find one of those portals, after he found Castiel. Thus the uncanny pact was made.

Some pact, though. Dean scoffs.

Benny had the habit of fighting monsters at a large distance. He called it "The Element Of Surprise" get the jump on them, before they get the jump on you. Which is a load of crap. Being that it should've been called "Bait on a Fish Hook" (Dean was the bait). Dean would be a surrounded by a bunch of nasties, & Benny would wait up until the last minute to blare his teeth to help him. Dean was completely sure the bastard was doing it again.

A twig snapped really close by, interruppting Dean's jumbled thoughts. He gathered his composure. Scouting for any signs of his stalker. He had been hiding in an enormous hollow tree trunk, for what seemd like an eternity now, holding his axe blade closely to his chest. It seemed like whatever was following Dean moved whenever he moved. Tip toed whenever he walked. Ran whenever he sprinted. Of all the monsters in purgatory, this was the first one to rattle Dean. Seriously. Most would put up an immediate really gnarly fight, never to sneak around like some wounded animal with its tail between its legs. Not this one. Maybe he was imagining the whole stalker thing? Without knowing it was day or night in purgatory, it could've been possible that the place might've been playing tricks on Dean. Was even possible? Dean shook his head. Yeah right. Enough crazy!

(Understatement. Crazy was practically his whole life.)

As far as he knew whatever that was following him was bad at keeping it quiet. Dean would always hear wheezing. As if this thing was on the edge of hyperventilating. Either it was all of purgatory's worst athlete ever, or this thing just had a really bad respiratory system. While it was seriously bad at keeping up with Dean, it made up for itself by making it impossible to find. Just when he thought he had it in sight, with just a blink of an eye, it was gone again, & what Dean did see didn't even make sense. It left a trail of small blue feathers.

Just what in the hell was it?

It was then a stupid idea came to Dean. One that he should've done ages ago. He looked toward the ground, finding a meaningless piece of heavy rock between his combat boots, then chucked it, as far as possible as he could. When the stone made a really loud THUNK Dean then heard fast paced foot steps coming toward his way. When he was sure the sound was right behind him he lifted his axe blade in the air, "GOT YOU!"

Only to stop his blade in midair, completely caught off guard by a yelling adolescent boy. "DON'T KILL ME!"

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 **NOTE: For those of you who know _OVER THE GARDEN WALL_** **you can imagine who's coming in the next chapter. (LOL)**

 **COMMENT, FAVORITE, FOLLOW, SHARE, or WHATEVER. It doesn't really matter, but it'll be GREATLY appreciated. THANKS FOR READING!**


	2. The BLUE BIRD

**ENJOY ~**

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Not only was Dean seriously caught off guard, he was also completely perplexed. Mainly because he was having a hard time deciding wether or not to dice the kid who was stalking him not too long ago. For all Dean could've known the boy might've been a monster disguised as a human. (Shape shifters were really crafty that way.) It's too bad Dean lost his favorite spare handheld gun. All he needed was a silver bullet to solve his pesky problem. So? Dean thought of the alternative.

 _DECAPITATION_.

But even then, Dean couldn't bring himself to swing his axe blade. He just held it up, hovering over the curled up kid, like a big bulky idiot. He lowered his weapon, enough so that he seemed less intimidating than he did with the intention killing. Instead Dean pointed the tip of his blade at the base of the boy's neck, who he in return quickly stood up pressing his entire spine against a tree. But for some odd reason the boy found the tree just as terrifying as Dean's blade.

 _TSK. WEIRD KID_. Dean scoffs. "Who are you?" He boomed. "And you better make it convincing or else you might miss a limb or two!"

The boy let's out a short cry & visibly starts to shake.

He was lanky. With peach colored skin. Wearing the strangest attire Dean has ever seen, & he's seen a buttload of weird things in his life. The kid wore a red pointed gnome like hat. His outfit consisted of a navy blue cape with six yellow buttons on its collar, under that was a white long sleeved dress shirt, along with black suspenders & simple grey pants that reached his ankles. He also wore two different colored shoes of the same fashion. His left shoe being a dark grey or brown & his right shoe being black. The shoelaces were untied. His hair was dark brown with pointy bangs that covered most of his forehead. He also had large ears, a long nose & a pair of big black eyes. Not the demon kind. Where the pupil, irises & everything else was black. Those were scary. Dean would know. Those were the eyes of a monster cunningly staring down at you with nothing, but void & evil.

The boy wasn't a demon, though. In fact, Dean wondered if the kid was a monster at all. He painfully looked like something out of a child's fable book. But that didn't stop him from pressing his blade closer to the boy's neck, when he didn't answer his question. "WHO. ARE. YOU?"

The boy catches his breath with a start, "W-Wirt! My name is WIRT!"

" _WART_?" Dean scoffs. "Seriously? Is that what you're going with?"

"What? No! I mean-Yes. But. Um. I'M NOT A PIMPLE!"

"It doesn't matter! Why the hell were you following me just now? Couldn't you have just jump out at me like any other freaking monster in this goddamn place?"

"MONSTER? No. _NO_. I'm not a monster!"

"Yeah? Then what the hell are you?"

"I'm. I'm JUST me! I told you my name is Wirt."

Dean's axe blade was now slowly starting to cut the skin on Wirt's neck.

Wirt winces as he then starts to panic, talking so fast Dean almost didn't catch anything he said. "PLEASE! I'mjustlookingformyyoungerbrotherGreg! IlosthimalongwithafriendofoursnamedBeatrice! DON'T KILL ME!"

Dean recoiled his blade by an inch. Before he had the chance to say anything, something swooped down from the branches of the tree he & wirt were under. Landing smack down on Dean's face was a . . .

. . . blue bird?

Digging its talons into Dean's nose & pecking his forehead he yells out of frustrations. Wirt was completely awestruck seeing the man flailing his arms in the air like a derranged lunatic. It was then he heard a girl's voice, "Wirt! Run!"

But he couldn't. Fear had taken over him. Dean found it in his power to just grab the blue bird with the palm of his hand & threw it in the air. The blue bird only flew out of sight. Then he glared at Wirt with a severely scratched up face, that only made Dean look even more scarier when he lifted up his axe blade.

Wirt yells, bracing himself for what was going to happen next. But then the blue bird got between him & the weapon. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" The girl's voice yells.

Dean flung backward. "What-" Completely startled, & ultimately confused. Wondering where the voice was being animated from.

"Hey, buddy! Over here."

It was then Dean realized the girl's voice was coming from the blue bird . . .

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 **NOTE: COMMENT, FAVORITE, FOLLOW, SHARE, or WHATEVER. It doesn't really matter to me, but it'll be GREATLY appreciated. THANKS FOR READING!**


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